New healing layers

It was my birthday yesterday. Ironically, out of all days and weeks even for the whole year my body had decided to slow down and catch cold exactly the day before. It’s not that I planned big parties or celebrations (I’m a bit of a hermit type), but the sore throat didn’t feel good even for small excitements.

My partner had cold too, so to avoid dwelling in ‘feeling rubbish’ misery in unison I decided to have utterly ‘me’ time. I lit some candles, made myself comfortable on the sofa and put a CD with The Orthodox Singers Male Choir music on. It’s been just few times since my son’s Edzus death that I had listened to that CD. The music is heavenly, so soothing and it has the quality of bringing you closer to God whether you want it or not. Yet, there was still part in me that was afraid to be triggered. What if I get teary? And then it gets out of control? As I didn’t feel 100% well physically, I really didn’t want to feel worse emotionally too.

When Edzus already had tumour, but had recovered from operation and was feeling good, I took him to the concert in local church where these Russian priests had their tour performance in Latvia. It was breath taking beautiful! The whole concert was a prayer, leaving one humble yet so uplifted, opening our hearts, leaving us speechless. The CD was sold on the evening and Edzus really loved the music and wanted the CD too. So we got it.

During the last days of Edzus life in this physical existence I played the CD almost constantly. (He would have been 20 today) Even though I hoped for the miracle till Edzus last breath, I also knew that I wanted to do what’s in my power to help him transition, to help him feel surrounded by Divine Love and Peace, to go towards light. The voices of those priests from the choir had such qualities and power.

I hadn’t listened to the CD for really long time. Now, on my birthday, I felt drawn to it. Still with a bit of trepidation I put the CD on. It felt comforting and uplifting to just let the music in, feel it vibrating through me and out.

I saw clearly how my shields of protection and fear of being hurt again and triggered, had gone down.

 I felt just gratitude for being able to share this music with my son – in good days and during his transition.

I felt gratitude for being able to create this sacred space for myself – without much preparation, without any rituals, without anything to do or accomplish.

Sometimes creating this space is the most difficult – the space for reflection, for healing, for just being, just breathing… I was happy that it happened so spontaneously.

I am aware that even though I will always feel the connection of this music with the life and death of my little boy, I also know that I will be able to enjoy this music more often. Does that mean that I’m healed if I don’t get triggered anymore? One can look at it that way but I prefer to view it that grieving and mourning journeys can be completed (and can’t be avoided if we want new life), but healing really never ends. It opens new layers, new underlying traumas might reveal themselves, but, you know, what? I’m happy this way. I’m happy for the journey I have taken so far and for the one that’s ahead. Because we are never done. There is always room for more expansion, more life, more joy and vitality.

Is there something in your life that you have been avoiding to do, see, hear or meet face to face in fear that it will create more pain?