It’s never too late to heal

“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.”
                                      Rumi

– “Are you still in pain?”

Just recently someone asked me this question while we had a conversation about life and death, I told her about my experience with my youngest son Edzus dying from cancer.

Edzus died in 2005, in September. He was 11 years old. Now more than 12 years ago.
My first spontaneous reply to the question was:
– “No, I’m not.”

And then I saw it – the disbelief in her eyes. “What?! Are you saying that your son died and you don’t feel pain anymore? Didn’t you love him?”

My reaction was – No, I’m not in pain. There is no suffering anymore.
However, when we parted, I was left with those questions still burning in me.

Is it even possible to not feel pain about such a loss? Am I in a subtle and at the same time total denial of mine? So subtle that I’m not aware of it? Don’t they say that the more you loved the more you grieve? Doesn’t that mean that grief is forever?

Even though my mind was in doubt, in my heart I knew it’s not true! Love lasts forever but grief doesn’t have to!

My son had his own agenda as a soul. Quite early in my anticipated grief, while he was still alive but doctors didn’t give any hope anymore, I consciously decided that I didn’t want to burden his soul with my sorrow. 
I truly believe that while grieving and mourning is so necessary for our healing, and it can be intense, painful and lengthy; prolonged and excessive grieving holds the souls of our deceased loved ones to the Earth plane.

I let him go because of my love for him.

But what breaks my heart is that I hear again and again:
– There is no way out.
– I will always have pain.
– I just want my old life back.
– I will always grieve because of my love.
– The pain will ease but I’ll never heal completely.

So often I hear about people talking that you actually never stop grieving a deep loss. That it’s only time that allows for some healing, some new perspective. That it’s only partial healing, but never again being whole and joyfull.

What’s going on here? Why are so many of us holding to a belief that ultimately loss of a child is a death sentence for our own life?

-Because the death of a child is so unnatural. Our survival brain isn’t able to process it as it goes so much against life.
– Because it hurts so much.
– Because we were never taught how to grieve in a healthy way.
– Because with a child who died, something deep and precious died within us too.

So is wholeness again possible after such losses and traumas? Is true healing possible?
I believe it is – however, healing journey never ends. We unravel new and new layers that go deeper and deeper. But it is not required to know the whole map of healing and follow it perfectly.

It is necessary to commit to healing though. And it is necessary to take the step that we see in front of us. Only the next step. And then the next. And the next. In raw grief it might be as simple as getting out of the bed and putting on day clothes instead of staying the whole day in pyjamas.

Further along the journey it might be noticing your emotional reactions of other people’s suffering – is there anything that triggers pain in you; that re-opens your wounds again? Then it needs exploring, accepting, integrating, embracing and loving. That’s a deep inner process.

So my answer to the question “Are you still in pain?” would be different now. It’s not – ‘never’ or ‘sometimes’. I feel that my losses, especially loss of Edzus, have transformed me like nothing else. I would never consciously choose such pain, but I am grateful for the journey and who I have become. And healing doesn’t mean that you never ever feel pain again. In fact, you might even become more sensitive to other people’s suffering. But it means being able to move through the pain without getting stuck in it. It means being able to choose to take action to transform one’s life too – one step at a time.