Do it your way!

Some years ago August was the best month of the year for me as both my sons were born then. It was only time for celebrations and play. Now it has changed. There still are celebrations as my oldest son, Mikus, has grown into a handsome young man – on 30th August it was his 25th birthday. I am so proud of who he has become! And August is also a month of my youngest son’s birthday. I wrote my reflections about that just recently. So this month had brought both – joy and sorrow as my youngest son died of brain tumour almost nine years ago.

So these two dates made me contemplate – what do you do when you are in the midst of some trauma, loss or crisis; or you have a friend, close relative dealing with trauma and along that you have something that in normal circumstances would be a reason to celebrate – another birthday, a holiday, festival? How do you handle these two extremes?

In our society there is a strong misconception that sorrow and joy cannot go hand in hand. It’s either one or another. You’re not supposed to go to a party when grieving. One thing is that people who are in raw grief simply do not want and cannot think of any entertainments. And yet – they still might need a break from grieving. In the exhaustion and excruciating pain they desperately might want to feel ‘old normal’ again, even if for a few moments.

Few months after my son’s Edzus death it was Christmas. My friends didn’t invite me to a small circle party where normally I would have been invited. I totally understand their thinking – ‘she won’t be able to tolerate laughter and all the heaps of entertainment anyway, nor will she want to come’. Might be true, but there is another part to this – they wouldn’t know how to react if I was triggered. They wouldn’t know what to say if in the middle of overwhelming joy I broke down. Deep down they were scared that I would spoil the party. They would feel such a discomfort seeing me there and after such a tragedy I wasn’t supposed to express any delight. The truth is – I wanted to go and I knew that some fun would do me good. I knew I was able to face the joy of others (this might be the hardest obstacle to allowing yourself something entertaining) and strong enough not to fall apart at it. And I desperately wanted a break! For me laughter has always been the best therapy and I was able to throw an odd joke even at the day of Edzus funeral. Not because I’m a monster not being able to feel loss, or because I would suppress or deny my pain, but because it helped me to feel a bit better!

Trauma can shatter your life to the core of your soul and old life as you have known it, is gone, your values might have changed deeply as well. You might not be interested in the same parties you were before. But on the other hand – maybe something entertaining, silly, shallow and super unserious is what you need to give yourself the break from the depth and intensity of your grief.

I believe awareness is the key here. If you want some relief in entertainment in the middle of the grief – why is it? Is it because you want to push pain away, deny it or fight against it with all your might? If pain is suppressed it will surface one form or another, when you least expect it. But you can absolutely give yourself permission to do something entertaining, it being a conscious choice to feel better.

GIVE YOURSELF PERMISSION to grieve your way! As long as you want and the way you want and need! It might require courage as you would let others – friends, relatives – know what are the ways you want them to support you. But before they can accept your ways of grieving and going through trauma – you have to fully accept your own ways yourself. Cry if you need to, laugh if you need to – express it your way! Do what FEELS right, not what you THINK is right!